Balls !
by Darth Vyper
Summary: Test and see how truly 'innocent' you are! Emmett becomes ballfetish and Jasper is caught in the middle of it all! Will Jasper truly loose his sanity? Heck, will Edward and Carlisle come to the rescue? Or will the polar opposite occur? Oneshot.


_This basically came up during my physics practical, when me and my friends got all horny for a second. Trust me, it was damn weird. Who knew the 'force' could spawn such ludicrous, perverted notions that linger in your head until you type them down ? Anyway, enough of my rambling - on with the story !_

**Disclaimer : I wished upon a star last night that I'll own Twilight. Do you think it'll come true ?**

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For once in the history of mankind - or rather vampirekind, the Cullen household was quiet. Yes, it was silent. Not a squeak nor sound could be heard-

CRASH ! THUD !

"EMMETT !!!"

Ah, well it was good while it lasted.

"Sorry Rose !"

THWACK !

"Ouch ! That hurt Rose !"

"Shut up Emmett !"

Downstairs, Jasper moaned. He was so absorbed in one of Carlisle's old psychology books - in fact he was busy dictating the frontiers of human emotions until dear ol' Emmett and Rosalie decided to have their fights. Again.

Sighing, Jasper snapped the book shut and massaged his temples. After being continuously barraged by waves of anger, confusion, regret, lust - Wait. Lust ?

Jasper lifted his face and met Emmett's disheveled figure stumbling into the living room.

Oh why, oh why, did Alice have to go shopping now ? He could really use her comfort. Then again, being a psychic, Alice must have seen this coming. He made a mental note to talk to her later.

"What did you do now Emmett ?" he asked tiredly, vaguely contemplating of running off and joining Esme in her cooking class or Edward on his solo hunting trip.

Emmett sighed before continuing ruefully, "She didn't like my ball."

Jasper nearly dropped his book. His eyes widened dramatically.

"Pardon ?"

He couldn't have heard that wrongly. Could he ?

"I said she didn't like my ball ," Emmett repeated, eying Jasper's frozen features.

_No - it couldn't be. Emmett - no, I must be mistaken. I must be hearing things_. Jasper thought, horrified. _Damn, where's a cotton bud when you need one ? _

"You have a single ball ?" Jasper asked stiffly.

Emmett frowned. "Of course. Wait - you mean you have a double ?"

Jasper nodded unsurely.

Who knew - Emmett, of all people ! He had only one freaking ball !

_I wonder if Edward knew - he must have. All those times delving into Emmett's mind - no wonder he grimaces sometimes. Maybe it wasn't just the nude mental pictures of Emmett and Rosalie hitting it off that bothered him. Having one ball can be really scary………………What more the image of it……………_

Jasper grimaced. For once in his whole existence, he felt really sorry for Edward. And his empathic senses were no help in this matter either.

"Jasper, are you okay ? Your look tense - almost constipated actually ," Emmett asked, observing his brother curiously.

"I'm just dandy ," Jasper remarked dryly.

His mind however, was still in turmoil.

Emmett, obviously being shallow-headed or perhaps plain ignorant to Jasper's chaotic emotions, begin to glow with excitement. Which is pretty much a dangerous sign, given the present situation and all.

"So, can you show me yours ?" Emmett chirped, bouncing slightly.

"What ?" Jasper asked, snapping out of his daze.

"Your balls, silly. Can you show me yours ?" Emmett asked, thrilled at the prospect.

Jasper was normally the calmest vampire of the lot. He was the peacemaker in the family, sowing seeds of happiness when discord appeared, bringing balance to their anarchic household. And he was perfectly collected and sane, thank you very much. But as of now, well let's just say if his heart was still beating it would be skyrocketing upwards until it reached the heavens. A truly gory prospect.

"No way ," Jasper voiced out loud, shaking his head and getting to his feet.

_No - he can't be bi, can he ? _Jasper worried mentally, wishing someone would come to his aid. _Dammit - where are you Alice ?_

Jasper begin to conclude that his younger, partially or maybe even fully demented brother could not be not straight. After all, Emmett and Rosalie has taken their relationships to levels of passion which he was sure Alice and himself can never attain - give or take centuries of practice.

Emmett suddenly began to edge closer and Jasper stepped back warily.

"Come on - just one little peek, Jazz, I won't hurt it !" Emmett coaxed, slowly pushing Jasper to the corner of the living room.

_Oh God, Oh God, Oh God - I'm going to KILL Alice if she saw this coming and didn't tell me !_ Jasper berated mentally.

He kept stepping backwards each time Emmett took a step forwards - that was until he felt his back hit something solid. Oh God, he was cornered. And judging by Emmett's maniacal grin, he was a goner.

He gulped before quickly muttering nervously, "Now, now Emmett - let's not get too hasty ……………"

"Please - just one stroke - I promise I'll be soft ! It won't feel a thing !" Emmett begged, pouting slightly.

Jasper scoured the living room for any nearby exits. Unfortunately, there were none. Emmett's sheer bulk made it impossible for him to make a break for freedom. So he was pretty much screwed at the moment.

Then, inspiration struck. He had powers, why not use them ?

He sent a wave of calm towards Emmett - but too his ultimate horror, Emmett's grin doubled in size. He released another wave - stronger than the first. Emmett seemed unfazed.

"Damn……….." he cussed softly.

He was trapped in the corner by his own brother who had a sudden surge of testosterone - albeit the impossibilities due to the fact of them being vampires and all.

This was the end. Goodbye cruel world. He wasn't going to watch anymore old reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or have crazy impulsions to have Bella for lunch. Well, all good things have to come to an end sometime.

Emmett stopped until he was an inch away from Jasper's face.

"Just one peep. That's all. I won't even touch. Well, perhaps a little. I've never seen a double - I just want to see how it looks like, and _feel_ it too if I can ," Emmett breathed softly into his ear.

Jasper yelped. This was bad. This was really, really, dip-shitty bad.

But before he could be met by a tragic demise in which his balls would be liberated, an unlikely savior strolled into the room. A savior by the name-

"ROSALIE !!!" Jasper screeched at the blonde beauty. "Help ! He wants to touch my balls !"

Rosalie just observed her manicured nails and snorted. "Then let him."

"WHAT ?"

"YAY !"

"SHUT UP EMMETT !!!"

Jasper shot Emmett a furious glare before turning to his alleged sister.

"But they're mine ! I don't let anyone touch them - not even Alice !" Jasper whined, whimpering as Emmett shuffled closer.

Rosalie rolled eyes. "Oh honestly, just show him and he'll be gone. He's a ball fetish - you're not going to get rid off him that _easily_."

"So I realized ," Jasper mumbled.

"Damn - I need another manicure, red is so cliché ," Rosalie murmured, turning heel and walking away.

Jasper quickly cried out , "No Rose ! Wait ! I-"

Too late. Rosalie strolled out of the living room and towards wherever it is a vain beauty queen would go. Jasper let out a desperate sigh.

"Well, come on - it's only the two of us !" Emmett let out a pitiful whine.

"No, no, no, and for the love of God , NO !" Jasper yelled, squeezing into the corner.

Suddenly the door opened and Carlisle strolled in, hanging his jacket on the coat hanger and stowing away his briefcase.

"Carlisle ! Thank the Lord !" Jasper squawked, elated at seeing their coven leader.

_Carlisle will save me !_ Jasper cheered mentally.

Carlisle traipsed into the living room, raising his brows in surprise as he spotted Jasper's huddled figure in the corner and Emmett barricading him.

"Hello boys, what's going on ?" he inquired politely, confused.

"Jasper said he has two balls, I just wanted to see them. He doesn't want to let me. He's too scared I'll damage them or something ," Emmett complained childishly.

"But my balls are private ! PRIVATE I TELL YOU, PRIVATE !" Jasper intervened, outraged.

Emmett pouted. Jasper fumed. Carlisle sighed.

"Why don't you just show him your balls Jasper. After all, we've all seen each others ," Carlisle offered patiently, completely oblivious to Jasper's horrified face, before adding, "Plus you have a double - I'm just as eager to see it as Emmett is. What color is yours by the way, Jasper ?"

_Oh no. Not Carlisle too !_ Jasper's mind screamed.

The both of them shot Jasper a penetrating stare. Jasper gulped before responding tightly,"White with pink around the edges."

"Ooh ! That's so cool ! I never knew there were double tones !" Emmett gibbered.

Jasper's face turned stony in an instant. He was currently wishing that he would suffer from spontaneous combustion. Anything but enduring this.

"Calm down, Emmett ," Carlisle chuckled at the younger vampire's enthusiasm.

Emmett now rounded on Carlisle. "What color's is your Carlisle ? I forgot ," he implored excitedly.

"It's a pale shade of yellow - Esme liked it very much. She said it was so soft and 'fuzzy' ," Carlisle replied, smiling.

Jasper began to feel sick. Luckily his stomach was devoid of any blood - if not he'll have lots of explaining to do when Esme comes home to find red spots on her Persian carpet.

The other two however, continued, not noticing Jasper's sanity was falling into pieces.

Emmett's face dropped. "Mine was small and white - Rose didn't like it much. I think she like's larger sized ones. Do you think I can inflate it and make it bigger ?"

The door opened again. And in came -

"EDWARD !" Jasper bawled, nearly stampeding over Emmett to get to the only other sane being in this house.

He would have made it - if Emmett hadn't grabbed the back of his shirt and hauled him backwards.

"No - Edward -!" Jasper scrabbled, trying to claw his way towards Edward.

Edward looked at the trio, slightly discombobulated.

_Must get help - need Edward -_ _no more sanity - asylum - Alice - save baby killer whales - cannot eat Bella - help_ _!!!- _ Jasper's frantic mental tone screamed in his mind.

_Jasper is so selfish ! I just want to see his double ! I'm not letting him go until he shows it to me ! -_ Emmett's own resentful and yet determined mental voice surged through his head.

_I wonder if Esme likes the hairier type. She said mine was too furry for her liking……… Hmm, maybe I should shave it a little………Just a snip there and a snip here………… _Carlisle's pondering thoughts pierced his mind.

Edward zoned out on all the voices. He was damn confused.

"What the hell is going on ?" Edward finally asked.

"BALLS !" all three of them screamed simultaneously.

"Wh-What ?" Edward spluttered. Now he was really lost.

"What color's are yours Edward ?"

"Does Bella like them ?"

"Help me - they're INSANE !"

Recognition dawned on Edward's face. Too Jasper's ultimate horror, Edward's eyes glazed over in an unexplainable ecstasy.

"Oh my one is a beautiful cream color - and Bella loved it very much ! She stroked it many times, I felt so happy that she loved it !" Edward gushed happily.

Jasper felt his jaw drop. This was not happening. For all that's holy and pure, this was not occurring in their house. Not now.

_Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, they got to you too ……………_ Jasper thought helplessly. _Lord have mercy on us all. It's Armageddon……………_

His brothers and father was lost. He couldn't save them. They were too far gone into the abyss.

Edward stared at Jasper in a puzzled manner. "What do you mean they got to me ?"

"Jasper has two balls ! And he doesn't want to let us look at them !" Emmett quickly put in.

Carlisle nodded and Edward's confused expression dissolved into excitement.

Jasper, if possible, looked paler than before. He was visibly shaking as well.

"Really ? Can we seen them ? I've never seen anyone with a double before !" Edward exclaimed.

"Doubles are rare - you're really lucky to have two Jasper !" Carlisle chipped in.

At that point, our calm and collective empath lost it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, tearing out of Emmett's grasp, slamming through the brick wall and running into the forest at top speed.

All three remaining vampires stared after his departing figure in shock.

"I don't get it. Why doesn't he want to show us his balls ?" Emmett asked dejectedly.

"Beats me - his thoughts were jumbled up. Couldn't get a single coherent thing from him ," Edward spoke.

"Well, I better clean mine - I dropped it just now and it got dirty." Carlisle then reached into his pocket and fished out a keychain with a furry ball dangling at the end of it.

Emmett and Edward took out theirs from their own pockets, examining the colored fur with wonder.

Edward smiled. "Well, you have to love balls, they're very warm and cuddly. Pretty cheap as well. Only a dollar each."

Emmett nodded in response.

The three of them then scattered - Carlisle went to scrub his ball clean, Emmett dropped by Wal-Mart to get another larger ball, and Edward headed off to Bella's to see her own ball which she labeled 'Squishy'.

Far in the distance however, an abominable shriek could be heard echoing throughout Forks - " YOU'RE NEVER SEEING MY BALLS, NEVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And so ends a relatively normal day in the Cullen household.

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**Well , what were you lot thinking ??? Dirty perverts ! You guys need to be sanitized !!! Or even visit and exorcist ! Lol ! I'm just joking !**

_I know the ending was lame - I'm sorry, ( ducks as rotten vegetables fly in all directions ) I had to end it one way or another ( I'm never good at ending stories ) and I know it's quite bad - that's why I made a one shot. Please review - constructive criticism is appreciated but flames will be made a mockery of. _

**REVIEW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


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